paint me perfect

because we humans love our analogies, and because it's difficult to understand our relationship with God, the bible is full of helpful analogous descriptions of how we are regarded and how we, in turn, should regard God. our God is our shepherd, our rock, our foundation, our shelter, our strong tower, our provider, our groom. i could go on and on. interestingly, the parent-child (usually father-child) relationship is probably the most popular. i say this is interesting because, looking at the state of many parent-child relationships around us, i don't know that we, as a species, really have that one down. all of the others can be more easily understood. a provider, for instance, is, by definition, one who provides. a father, on the other hand and as sad as it is, is not necessarily one who fathers.

i have recently come to fancy a different analogy. God is my artist. if we think about it, the artist chooses everything about his or her creation (not the same can be said for parents and children). the colors, the shapes, the mediums - it's all intentional and meant to work together to accomplish something - the expression of the artist, the glorification of the artist, the connection between the artist and the spectator. i like this. i like to think of myself as a piece of art, crafted for a purpose - an expression of my creator, something to bring glory to my creator, something that can help others connect with my creator, who they might come to know as their creator.

i like this, too, because it helps me celebrate myself. parents are often trying to shape their children - curb things that may prove problematic and encourage things that will be helpful. artists are different. if there is something in art that appears to some to be errant, it is not. the artist put it there and it will serve a purpose at some point. i fear that some christians of a more legalistic persuasion miss out on this. if dancing brings joy to my soul, i can be confident that i was created that way - it's a gift, not a blemish. it is not something shameful, it is something put in me for my own good, at least, if not for something greater (in my case, it's probably just for me).

let me push the analogy to include the human condition and human error. i acknowledge that everything in me is not good. i do have a capacity for evil. perhaps that capacity is an imperfection in my canvass that the great artist manages to work into the piece. it is said that God does not waste pain and i believe that. i can think about some of the most painful things that have happened in my short life and not wish them away. they are so much a part of me that i can't imagine myself without them - without the things they taught le. how's that for efficiency? no waste. God is so green.

in light of all of this, let me say that as pieces of art, we have certain responsibilities.

• we cannot mute ourselves, or each other. imagine, if you painted two pictures and they came to life and decided that they were ashamed of and needed to hide the very pieces of themselves that you loved best - the parts that made them special (adam and eve?). i realize it's a weird hypothetical situation, but it would be rather heartbreaking.
• we cannot mar ourselves or others. same situation - if one of the paintings set itself on fire while the other attacked it with a knife. even a little weirder and definitely more heartbreaking.
• we must embrace ourselves and each other so much that we nearly explode. i don't really know what that would look like for our live-painting analogy, but you get where i'm going with this.

in short, you are beautiful people, and i'm not so bad either, so we should act like it.

embarrassing

i don't even know what to write. it's all embarrassing. i missed the unc english graduate program application deadline. it was today and my application was 90% complete the minute the red text appeared that said "application deadline past" in the exact place where the "submit" button once was. obviously, i should have seen it coming - the deadline now, technically, being yesterday.

i was recently advised against applying to the MTS program at duke because it's competitive and i have no plan.

the only other graduate school option i have considered is a program in london. how can i possibly afford to go to graduate school in london? i don't know either.

basically, i'm tired of my wonderful, better-than-average-but-still-entry-level job, but i don't know what else to do.

now, i completely understand that i may write next week about how i want to grow old and retire at this job, but for the time being, i'm frustrated with it. i know that i'm really very blessed to have a job that i enjoy in such a precarious economic climate (two, even!), but does that mean that i need to be satisfied as i head into a second year of working two jobs, neither of which do i believe are really developing me as a person, or allowing me to use my gifts and talents in a truly fulfilling way? i feel likd a brat just typing this. it certainly IS so much to ask for these things in a job, especially now.

so, i will be quiet, go to work(s) and finish my application for the program in london, just in case they feel like awarding me some sort of fantastic scholarship - one that will make it only a slight impossibility, as opposed to a laughability (made up).


i actually feel somewhat better now that i've officially missed the deadline. at least there's nothing i can do about it - feeling bad doesn't help anything. today at work, when i was working on my application and thinking about how i wasn't even really that interested in getting an MA in english, i started to get truly stressed out. the 1/4 life crisis feeling was growing in my throat, as it often does these days, while i watched the clock crawl from 4:50 to 5:00. it took so long. when it was over, i went home and piled my entire wardrobe on my bed. item by item, i put everything back, neatly, with the exception of he things that didn't make he cut. a small mound of clothing in the hallway outside my door slowly grew into a sizable pile. the process did not complete my application, but it was therapeutic. a clean closet helps to achieve a clean brain. when i was done, it was time to go to courtney's (my lovely sister-in-law) birthday party. next thing i knew, it was 11pm. i worked on my essay until 12:13, at which time, i discovered the application expiration. i guess i see now where my priorities are - clean closets and birthday parties, not graduate school.

i am disappointed not because it was the option that i loved, but because it was an option. sometimes potential options are all that get me through a bad day of checking indexes and 12% tips. as they dwindle, my patience dwindles, my tolerance dwindles, my grace dwindles. i don't like it. i feel myself becoming a person who is slightly less happy. i don't know how to help it.


like i said, who knows how i will feel 5 days or even 5 minutes from now, hopefully better and full of optimism. i pray now that i can be less consumed by my desire to have my desires met and maybe be more consumed by a desire to see the desires of others met. who knows, maybe it will become a two birds with one stone situation.

behind and restless

behind.

when i started this blog in january, i had a dream of posting an average of 4 blogs every month. as you can see, i'm about 8 blogs behind and the year is nearly over. i'm going to try to play catch-up. we'll see if i make it. i'll try not to cheat and split single blogs into several posts. i'll try.



restless.

i think it has something to do with the fact that my 1-year anniversary at this job is today. thanks for remembering, by the way.

this was my goal - to have a grown-up job for one year. now i've done it. i'm officially respectable.

the problem with reaching my goal is that now i am no longer satisfied at this desk. admittedly, my satisfaction over the past year was a precarious thing, but now it is ever more fragile. broken, even. i was at this point once before - in the early spring, i believe. then, it was because i had nothing to do here. then, my antidote was to plan a move to central america. i know it would likely not happened, but the thought freed my mind. freedom of the mind, i believe, is far more important than freedom of any other kind.

this time, i'm not planning a move to central america. i'm applying to grad school. i take the GRE next wednesday. i'm applying to duke divinity for the masters of theological studies program; unc chapel hill for the masters of english program; and hopefully an english program or two back in england. in fact, if anyone knows anything about any english programs in england, that would be helpful. i have no idea where to begin picking one, or even three.

i'm taking the GRE and applying to these programs not necessarily because it's what i believe i need to do next, but because these acts give me a sort of vital forward momentum. if i fail and don't get into anything, or decide i just don't have enough money, then at least i tried. in that case, i would most likely embark on a job-search. after all, i am respectable now.

i would love to work in a PR/editorial position at a non-profit organization or interesting publication. those sorts of jobs aren't exactly flooding craigslist, but who knows.

update(s)

i live in my own house now. i love it. it's a lot of work. it's like i'm now in a relationship with a very demanding man, except that instead of love and kisses in return, i get a roof over my head and my own bathtub. we're very happy.

i've painted many rooms. some are silly. i've learned many things in the process: paint always dries darker; you will usually run out of paint.

i still work too much.

i've been trying to craigslist a washer, dryer, sectional, and dining room set for weeks. one success: today, i bought a sectional. it's leather. it's beige. it's so very comfortable. it may be too big for the room for which it is intended. i think i will love it. if i don't, back to craigslist it goes.

i still enjoy both of my jobs.

i miss the commune: the bamboo, my roommate, my parents, my neices, my gym, my carrboro.

i knew i would. it's to be expected. i have no regret.

i dyed my hair 'navajo bronze.' i'm still not sure if i'm too pale to pull it off. i might look scary.

i still love jesus.

i'm trying not to eat/drink dairy. venti soy cafe misto, please. i'm not very good at it, otherwise. i work at an italian restaurant, which could as easily be called a dairy restaurant. cheese is delicious.

i discovered lip stain; like lipstick, but better.

my sister is back from costa rica. i love it. i love her. we wait tables together. look out, dining world of chapel hill.

my roommate brother bought a 42'' LCD television for our living room. i'm not really a TV gal, but it's pretty awesome.

i might have bone spurs in my left foot. it hurts.

i realized that i've been to 10 weddings in the last 18 months. i was in three of them. always a bridesmaid :)

last weekend, i was in NY for a karaoke/dancing-filled family reunion. this weekend, i will be in TN for homecoming. if there is karaoke/dancing, i wont be mad.

i adjusted the thermostat on my hot-water heater. it made me feel like an independent woman. woop woop.

i need a new laptop. i need a new camera. i also need the things listed above (craigslist). i find comfort in the fact that it is human to always feel "need." humans can be dumb.

i have a little bamboo plant from the blankenschade wedding. it is thriving at my new house. i feel that my own well-being here is somehow tied to the fate of that plant. weird. at least it's doing well.

i bought awesome new boots, but can't really wear them because of my bad foot.

i played music on the street a few weeks ago. there are many stories. ask if you're intrigued.

olive garden commercials are dumb (circumstantial addition).

i want to have a party. when the couch is here and the dining room set is here, it will happen. the washer and dryer aren't really necessary.

come and visit, please.

water please. no ice.

i haven't really done this yet, i don't think--use my blog to shamelessly promote something that i think deserves promotion. here we go:

mycharitywater.org

1 in 6 people in our world don't have access to clean drinking water.

1 in 6. think of 6 people you love and imagine one of them having to drink out of the nearest puddle for their whole life, which, incidentally, would be quite short.

go to this site and see what you can do to help -- charity: water is doing absolutely amazing things to solve this problem. amazing. so amazing you will want to take part and they've made it embarrassingly easy. go to the site, watch the video. be inspired. that's one of life's beauties, right? finding things that inspire.

you're welcome and pass it on.

but seriously

a theology professor once explained learning about God this way - sometimes we can draw a box of definition around God using only what we know God is not. finding what God is can sometimes be more of a challenge.

i know that God is not a God who has intended for me to live my whole life by emotion, chance and my own interpretation of events that may or may not be natural. i say this because i have seen christians live this way. i have seen some people very close to me live in agony and fear because the only way they know by which to make good decisions is to wait for a consuming conviction-to wait and see what God reveals to them through fleeting sentiments, billboards, or the good old fashioned 'open and point' scripture-reading. don't misunderstand me. i have heard several stories of God speaking through these very things, but as a general rule, i don't think that my relationship with my Creator should hinge on feelings and divinations.

i believe, rather, that i have been divinely equipped for this life, in a way that allows me to walk in humble gratitude and confidence in a life that is guided by principles of righteousness and love, when it is, in fact, guided by principles of righteousness and love. i do not always need to wait for a feeling to tell me 'yes' or to tell me 'no.' i do not need to live in guilt and uncertainty. guilt is not of God. once again, do not misunderstand me. it is important, it is vital to be ever-sensitive to the leading and the presence of the Holy Spirit. one would be a fool to disregard such a priceless gift. once again, i think i am just trying to find truth by naming non-truth. if i get caught up in over-spiritualizing every thing in my life (for instance - i saw a purple finch sitting on a lilac bush and so clearly, God wants me to move back to nh. no, that's silly), i believe that i will dilute what it is that i love most about God - the beauty and grace right in the midst of human depravity.

my real question in all of this is the role of God in my life. i think i that i understand, or at least know how to pursue further, how the existence and character of God changes the way i live my life. what i don't understand is where to draw the lines between attributions: for what am i responsible? for what are you responsible? for what is God responsible? for what is no one responsible? i'm not sure.

i started thinking about this a couple of years ago in the context of babies. my friend was getting married and having a hard time deciding what kind of contraception to use, or whether she should use it at all. i had heard before that the bible calls children a blessing, and so who are we to try and dictate when or how God chooses to bless us. this made sense to me at the time. then again, it didn't matter too much to me - marriage and babies being so far away.

then, my friend and i had a conversation with our pastor and his wife, who had decided to have no more children. they told us not to over-spiritualize the situation. they said that when a woman mis-carries, it's not necessarily because God took the baby away, but because God designed our bodies to work a certain way. this made me think about conception. i know that the bible says that i was knit together in my mothers womb, and that's a beautiful thought, but i wonder if we've interpreted it in a slightly over-literal sense. for instance, every day there are babies born in africa to impoverished women with AIDS and they do not survive through their miserable first year of life. is that the will of God, or is that just a consequence of humans refusing to care for one another?

since that time, i have struggled with this whole idea of attribution. i still don't really understand, but i guess if i understood everything, i wouldn't need a God. i have resolved to the philosophy that i should do all that i can do because that is all that i can do. whatever is out of my control may or may not be orchestrated by God, but i do know that whatever happens, God will help me to find the good and encourage it to grow.

dollah dollah billz

i'm in a weird place.

not physically. i'm just in my room, but my place in life is weird. i'm still buying a house, but this process is so long and just keeps getting longer. by the end of it, i believe i will have spent the same length of time as an entire semester (allow me to revert to student-timing), just trying to buy a house. it's mentally frustrating, trying to prepare for a big transition that refuses to come.

it's not at all that i want to leave the commune. i really do love it here. i know that i will miss spending time with the people who live here with me because i know that i wont possibly see them as much. i already see them remarkably less than one would think, considering our proximity to one another. but, like i've said before, i believe it's a good step for everyone.

i recently purchased a set of furniture for my new home, should i ever actually live there. one piece is a chaise, which i plan to put in my room, and faint on from time to time, just for fun. last sunday, i went to my house with alisha and steven and laid on the floor of each empty room, imagining furniture and colors. it was great fun, though, i think, technically trespassing.

last night after work, i ran to thy gym, and the spent two hours in classes (body pump and yoga). i hadn't been in a couple of weeks, so it was a nice way to spend the evening. after i got home, i watched as episode of 'intervention' with my parents (love it) and then refused to start a movie with them at 10:00 because i couldn't stay up that late. i went to my room, changed into pjs and checked my voicemail. i had one from the cool kids at carmine's, and they were all going to bailey's to celebrate our dear noah's last night.

some people might think - it's already past 10:00, i have to be at work at 9:00, i really should go to sleep instead of driving 10 minutes away to hang out at a bar. some people also don't have a severe distaste for missing things. i got dressed and went, and didn't return until around 2:30. it was a whole lot of fun and i don't regret it, but when my alarm went off at 8:00 this morning, i did not feel well. i was tired from having not slept enough or well, i was hungry from not having eaten a real meal since 1:00 yesterday afternoon, i was so very sore from my gym craziness, and i was dehydrated from no water and some buffalo wings.

so, i've taken a sick day. that is why i am able to blog right now. i don't have much time these days. i worked about 70 hours last week - between the 9-5 and the restaurant gig. i can't complain too much. i have two jobs that i enjoy. it does make me tired, though. by this past sunday, i kind of felt like i was committing a slow sort of suicide. this week, i was scheduled for one less shift at the restaurant, and i found someone to cover another one - so that's a step in the right direction.

alisha (my roommate) is in ethiopia doing something very awesome, but it is still sad that she is gone for a whole two weeks more.

while writing this blog, i thought about writing, again, that i want to go to the divinity school at duke. and then i thought to myself: 'self, why don't you actually take a step in that direction, instead of just talking about it.' and so i did. i sent an email to the admissions dept, asking to set up an appointment. the only issue i take with the div school plan is that it very well may cost a lot of dollah dollah billz that i don't have. hopefully an admissions counselor will reveal all sorts of lovely opportunities that will make this be not so, but i guess we'll see.

i realize that this is a collection of random thoughts, but if i keep writing nothing at all, i will, well, keep writing nothing at all.