Tuesday, March 10, 2009

knowing is half the battle?

they say this - that knowing is half the battle. presumably, if one is aware of a problem, they are half way to solving it. i'm not too sure about this.

i've been thinking about this lately because, in this fun new world of adulthood, i've been becoming aware of many things about myself. knowing doesn't seem to bring me any closer to a solution. maybe it's different for everyone. i've always been pretty self-aware, which is good, but that doesn't mean i'm good at self-improvement. one would think that since i am aware of my troubles, i would be able to fix them more readily. this is not the case. i could list several things that i know hinder me from the life i want, but i don't really feel much closer to change.

most recently, all of this applies to my undeniable codependent tendencies. i think i've decided that this demon must be conquered over and over again. i've conquered it before, in certain relationships, but that does not mean it is out of me, or even make it any easier to win the battle in other relationships.

i'm a middle child. i've been called a 'fixer' more times than i can count, and even a 'meddler' more times than i care to remember. it's all out of love, but that doesn't make it healthy, or even selfless. i guess it comes down to trust, dependence. i'm finding more and more that most of my problems stem from pride and binding self-sufficiency. i don't trust people to make wise decisions on their own. i don't believe that God can care for people as well as i can. it hurts me. i hurt me by believing these things and doing these things.

solution? i'm not sure yet. i know that my care for other people is a gift, a strength, but will only reach its full potential if it is surrendered to the Gifter. i suppose it's like anything else - any good thing can be a harmful thing if left in the wrong hands. clearly, mine are the wrong hands.

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