anxiety doesn't make me a better person

A quick glance to the sidebar here (if you're reading on blogger, that is) will tell you that I haven't written in months. I've been feeling strangely inadequate lately, specifically in the area of writing. I'm not sure why that has stopped me from posting here. We all know that blogging is not something reserved for the writing elite. No one required a writing sample when I logged into blogger for the first time. What, then, is the issue?

Today, the madness needed to stop. I still feel nervous and so have begun by discussing the thing closest to the tips of my fingers - this curious writing block.

At the risk of making connections where there are none, I offer (to myself) a shrugging explanation.

I have lately been reflecting on this small world I set about putting together almost three years ago. (No, I don't mean that I created the world three years ago.) I have pieced together, with jobs and people and churches and homes, a rather full life for my graduated self and it is now beginning to feel something like complete. Without the distraction of certain difficulties that have been overcome, my worry, forced out, spills into new arenas.

And these new arenas are filled with questions relating to the role I have played in the small worlds of others, while building my own. I've spent the past few years decided who I am and trying to discover who some other people are, with some career and home-building filling in the gaps. Now, the questions, which are not not new, begin to rise into a place to be disregarded with more difficulty. What impact have I made? How are these people and places different for having known me? I've spent time writing here about the fingerprints left on me, and lately I've been wondering about my own fingerprints. Where are they? Did I mean to leave them there? Do they appear as I expected? Can anyone see them? This, I believe, is why I have hesitated to write. Perhaps, in looking for my life's consequences, I have put considerable pressure on myself to write regarding things of consequence.

The more I write about this, the more I am deciding that it is fruitless to do so. I can't imagine that Mother Theresa spent much time worrying about what impact she was having. (She certainly didn't blog about it.) No, she just did what she saw in front of her to do without vanity or much self-consideration.

So, there we have it. I can't change my impact by thinking about it and so, there should be less whine-ging (whine-blogging) and more doing of things, or at least the same amount of doing of things. Moving forward with confidence that, truly, all I can do is what I can do, and anxiety doesn't make me a better person.

Thomas Merton and tequila

I have decided to start writing with capital letters because I recently had a conversation with an excellent fellow blogger and friend (http://wordshepherd.com/) that brought to light how seriously I do not take my blog entries. That might not be fair to say. I do take them seriously, but I try not to put too much pressure on myself, or else I wont post anything. The more I believe a post needs to be perfect, the less likely I am to sit down and write it. So, I try to have a somewhat careless approach. Also, I would be lying if I didn't admit that, along with the increased frequency of posting, the careless approach also helps me to avoid disappointment when a piece is not met with the enthusiasm that I had envisioned for it. Avoid a little, anyway.

My new offering to the serious blogging world is capital letters. That, and I am going to try to post more often than I do. It's good for me.

I feel better already.

Tonight, I'd like to speak to you about my life in terms of a Venn diagram.

Throughout my life, I've had the privilege of building relationships with a great variety of people. This was almost entirely due to my constantly changing educational environment: Christian, secular, private, public, boarding, tiny, big, at home, and abroad are all words that describe my education at one time or another. I don't regret this. If you ever see my mother, tell her that I said this. I think she is afraid that I hold some grudge about having been to 8 different schools before high school. I don't. It was, for the most part, fun. If being the new kid is an art, then in my prime, I was Botticelli. Except, without the naked women. That would have been inappropriate. I became pretty good at reading people, discerning what they wanted, what they valued, interpreting reactions, etc. (These skills would later serve me well in customer service-type jobs.)

What does all of this have to do whth a Venn diagram? Well, because I learned how to make the outsider-insider transition at an early age, and with all sorts of circles, I have always found myself drawn to different groups at once, able to see the merit of multiple social codes/sets of values. And right along with these many people have come ideas and interests, as varied and conflicting as the people by whom they are presented. Be it over tequila shots or a Thomas Merton piece, I have found stimulation and growth in expected and unexpected places. For the most part, this is great. I find myself with many friends and even more acquaintances.

And now you're asking yourself "Well then, what's the problem?" Of course there's a problem, or I wouldn't be writing about this. And, further more, I have yet to explain the Venn diagram connection, even though I began this last paragraph in a way that would lead one to believe that an explanation was coming. (In my defense, I thought it was.)

Here it is: I feel like the section in the middle - the oddly-shaped piece that is shared by both circles. This piece represents the common ground. That's all well and good, but what identity does that piece have beyond the fact that it holds the common elements? It has nothing of it's own, and it doesn't really belong wholly to either circle. If it went to a party in one circle, it would belong, sure, but would always stick out at least a little bit.

Like Popeye said, I am who I yam, and I don't want to change it. But, those little pieces of me that don't fit, wherever I am, the ones that always want to be somewhere else, the ones that can make dating and building strong friendships hard, the ones that I'm certain other people always notice, they sometimes make me melancholy.

playing baseball using the rules for chess

one of the most valuable pieces of insight that has ever been given to me was offered by, adorably enough, my mother. i was in high school and our family was experiencing some *ahem* relational turbulence. it was very painful. what she told me was that it was okay not to know what to say, how to feel, or what to do, because the situation in which we found ourselves was one that we were never intended to face. we weren't built to hurt one another.

since then, this pearl has continued to find it's way into my thinking and even, on occasion, out of my mouth for someone else.

i think that it's easy for people who follow a particular teaching or set of teachings to get very caught up in applying principles to situations inappropriately. and then, it's kind of like trying to play baseball using the rules for chess. it just doesn't work.

for example, many people believe that abortion is wrong, and so they blow up abortion clinics and kill doctors who perform them. woah. i don't know about you, but i'm having a hard time finding the connection between abortion being wrong and destruction and murder being right. the passion for one cause grows so large that it spills over, clouding judgement.

i will now introduce the "what now?" concept. let's say you find yourself in a situation that you don't believe you were designed to handle. there's no passage in the Bible that begins: "when your spouse leaves you..." what now? well, in the Bible, along with all of the verses about premarital sex, there are other instructions: love. grace. compassion. forgiveness. justice. it's okay to not know how to respond to situations that are upsetting, but when in doubt, apply these principles and you can't go wrong.

like a married dude at a night club

i went to church twice today. that's right. twice in one day. no need to tell me you're impressed. i already know.

even though i was at church last week, for some reason it felt like a long time away. the feeling i get when i go to church for the first time in a little while is kind of like the feeling i used to get in college when i pulled up to my parents' house, or entered the city of manchester. it's a feeling of homecoming, a feeling of familiarity, the absence of needing to prove myself or explain myself. it doesn't have to be dramatic, but it certainly is pleasant.

it was while singing a song tonight that an interesting analogy popped into my head. (i like those.) the refrain of the song spoke of freedom. now, here i am, feeling all homey and singing about freedom, when my mind drifts to a night club. don't ask me, i'm often just a spectator in my own head. i began to think about how my being in my own life, is like a married dude at a night club.

the married dude is at this night club, and he may be very participative - having a few drinks and doing the robot, but his goal is largely different than that of most other men there. other men may be anxious about trying to meet someone to date, or even just take home, but the married dude is free to just take everything in and enjoy himself, knowing that he has already found a permanent version of what everyone else is looking for. as the night wears on, the other men may become more anxious about leaving alone (as some of you women may have noticed, men are much more bold as closing time approaches...), but our married dude is as loose as a goose.

this is how i feel. i live my life. i love my life. i participate in the world around me. however, i have no cause for anxiety, because i've found what so many others spend their whole lives looking for: purpose, and the confidence that comes with being unconditionally loved by the One who created me carefully.

happy sabbath.

i'm getting old

i've been too busy for, well, my entire adult life. not until now, however, have i ever wanted something different. i liked the lack of sleep, the schedule conflicts, the money-spending. slowly, over the past few months, i've been seriously valuing more my still and quiet time. i mean actually valuing - not just talking about it so that other people can see how ridiculously busy i am.

so, it's official. i'm getting old.

i'm considering only having one job (not to say that my second job is taking up a whole lot of time these days). this doesn't completely tie into my last point, because it would mostly be to make time for other, more creative ventures.

i've been promoted at my "real" job. i like it. i'm a "production coordinator." i feel like an appreciated employee for, perhaps, the first time with this particular company, which is really invaluable. i'm contributing more to the production process, learning more things. all of this is good. presently, though, my job is largely trafficking files and working in maddening computer programs (i wont bore you, or myself, with the details), which is not fun, but i think it wont last and hopefully that change will come sooner, rather than later.

my eldest brother, jesse, is getting married this weekend. i'm pretty excited for so many reasons. my new sister-in-law is a peach. her love for jesse and his daughters has brought tears to my eyes. the whole thing just glows with a hope and redemption that doesn't show up in life enough.

i had the carpets cleaned at my house yesterday. they look great. i am brought back in my mind to our honeymoon days, my house and mine. my friends were all circling wedding dates on their calendars and i was circling a closing date. i couldn't be happier with my decision (or theirs). i can't wait to show off my dear home to my family for the first time this weekend. we must find her something nice to wear.

my foot is still broken. it's pretty much at the same hurty-level as it's ever been. i can't really shift blame, here, except to my stubborn foot, but that would be counter-productive, would it not? i can say with certainty that practicing the moon-walk does not sit well with the lateral sesamoid.

i think i'll go to sleep now. as i said, i'm getting old.

business time

i've mentioned this before - it's been a real treat for me, over the past couple of years, to begin to really connect with people outside of the church. i've learned many things about what we have in common that have affirmed in my mind that all of us are made in the image of God. how beautiful.

now, every once in a while, a particular topic arises and seeing eye-to-eye becomes slightly more difficult. one of these topics is sex. sure, i get teased from time to time about my life-choices in this area, but for the most part, people just avoid the topic altogether.

in my experience, people avoid topics that they assume will cause the people involved to have to pick one side of an enormous conversation-chasm, over which no bridge can ever be built (think religion, politics). i assume this is why no one wants to talk to me about sex - they think that, because i'm a christian, we'll have nothing to say to one another that will resonate. that, or they think it will make me uncomfortable. it usually doesn't. i am an adult after all, and have seen a few R-rated movies.

i've decided that the chasm-fearing among us expect the conversation to go something like this:

chasm-fearing: hey katie, what's the big deal about people having sex before they're married?

me: what's the big deal? what's the big deal?! haven't you read the Bible? [scowl]

chasm-fearing: ...

[awkward silence as chasm-sides are chosen]

i hope that i'm never in the same building as that conversation. i got the chills just typing it.

sure, the Bible has a lot to say about sexy things. i googled the most popular parts of the Bible that talk about sex. most of the "don't do that" texts refer to "sexual immorality." when i noticed this, i thought to myself: "what, exactly, is sexually immorality?" immorality is defines as the quality of not being in accord with standards of right or good conduct. that's the opposite of helpful and specific. so, sexual immorality is sex that is not in accord with standards of right or good conduct. what standards? whose standards?

no. the people who wrote the Bible were not trying to be frustrating, nor is God trying to confuse us. rather, i think, anyway, this is when we need to remember that every part of the Bible was written by a person in a language to an audience in a cultural setting. i'm sure "sexual immorality" made perfect sense to those who heard it then (in their language, of course). but, what about those hearing it now?

for instance, sex was a much economically-significant when the Bible was written. women, with their dowries and such, were bought and sold, in a way, into marriage. part of their worth was their sexual purity, so if they had sex before they were married, or committed adultery once they were married, they were stealing, in a way, by detracting from their value. this is just one thing to consider when reading ancient texts about sex and marriage.

see, sex is tricky, though, because it's not like getting tattoos or eating pork. it can have real, soul-altering consequences. people are conceived, diseases are transmitted, intentions are misconstrued, lust clouds vision, deep connections are made (and than severed?), hearts are broken, self-worth is altered. all of this makes drawing the lines around "sexual immorality" a bit impossible. we know what's in the middle: rapists, pedophiles, and the like. [scowl] but we don't know what lies around the edges.

so, in order to discern any truth, we want to read these bits of the Bible in the context of the whole gospel story - a story of love, acceptance, grace, self-sacrifice, and reconciliation (all good things, right?). where does sex fit into all of that?

sure, i could try to build an argument here for not having pre-marital sex based solely on trying to protect myself and others from the heart-ache and general life-ache that can be brought about by people with even the best intentions. but, i think that at least some of you would say "katie, that's silly. all you have to do is be smart about it and you'll be fine. plus, the good usually outweighs the bad. wink. wink." and you would have an excellent point. maybe it is possible to have sex outside of marriage without stumbling into "sexual immorality," if only you are smart and mindful about it. maybe sex between two consenting adults in a committed relationship is all that God asks in this day and age. i will allow for that possibility.

allow me, then, to proffer my biggest reason for seeing sex as part of marriage in my life:

marriage is hard. fidelity (not just sexual) is hard. relationships are hard. through observing the relationships around me, i have learned this. i have also built a stronger resolve to have the best marriage in town. i want it to be life-giving. i want it to thrive like my basil plant. i want it so bad that i'm working on it even now, even though i don't even know if it will ever happen, or with whom it will be. i want my faithfulness to start now. i want to offer myself as a healthy, whole person. well, as much as i can, anyway. i don't want to place a U-Haul full of baggage at my betrothed's feet. maybe just a few suitcases. (plus, i think it would be neat (God-ordained, even) to only share that kind of vulnerable, spiritual connection with one person. call me sentimental.)

for me, this view of sex fits into the gospel. it's Biblical. it's practical. it protects me and those around me. it's loving. it encourages fidelity and intentionality in my life. it's for me and i think it makes sense.

so there. if you've read this, it's like we had the conversation. hopefully there was no chasm, and hopefully i've convinced you that sometimes there's something in the "because the Bible said so" answers even for those who could care less about the Bible.

religion box blank

i could be watching veronica mars right now. i think i would rather be. but, the anxiety that grows within be as every day passes between blog posts has become too much to bear. therefore, i will put aside veronica, for this evening, at least.

i had a conversation with someone recently about, statistically, how many christians there are in america. i really don't remember the particulars of the conversation, but i do remember becoming irritated.

most people in this country, according to statistics, identify themselves as christians. i'm not really one for drawing lines between "real" christians and "fake" christians. if such things exist, i certainly hope it's not my job to make the distinction.

what does bother me, however, is how religion is identified with almost like a nationality - something we just are, by no choice of our own. christianity is an intentional journey. it bothers me when people claim it only because they don't want to leave the religion box blank.

if i called myself a painter, simply because my parents were painters, i would not be taken seriously. if i called myself a painter because i found the art form interesting, i would not be taken seriously. if i called myself a painter because, even though i wasn't really into art, if i were, it would be painting, i would not be taken seriously. why, then, when people give these reasons for calling themselves christians, is it often taken seriously?

i can only imagine that i'm not the only person who feels this way about their faith. any time that a person claims to be something that comes at a cost they haven't paid (for instance, learning to paint), someone will probably be slightly irritated, at least. i'm not really talking about seekers, or people unsure, but taking steps to find truth. i'm talking about people who have no interest in incorporating the spiritual into their everyday lives, but enjoy the christian label for it's let's-fit-in benefits. we're not supposed to fit in.

i'm not sure about how much i have sounded like a brat, whining about something that's not really important, but i urge you to let me know.