in case you were curious

if i wait to blog until i feel like i have something earth-shattering to talk about, then i may never blog again. so here they are - a series of small updates.

i'm still buying a house and i'm still pretty excited about it. i drift off to sleep thinking about accent walls and coffee tables. though i'm still sad about the dissolution of the commune, i think it's going to be good for me. right now, i'm still qualifying for financing and whatnot, but as soon as the house is mine, i'll post some pictures somewhere, and ask all of you creative people to send me stuff with which to decorate my house :)

though there are several reasons for this move to happen, i cannot deny that there is much i will miss. living in carrboro, though a bit strange (i've recently heard it called a 'fantasy land'), has its perks - i can walk to my gym, my natural foods store and my local farmer's market. i can also walk to downtown chapel hill, which has more bars and coffee shops than i could ever frequent, even if i went out every night, twice. i will also miss my family and my delightful roommate. alright alright, let me move on before i change my mind . . .

because this house business is pretty expensive, i've been working a lot. i work 9-5 monday through friday, and then at Carmine's (restaurant) some nights and weekends. depending on how long my Carmine's shift-count is up for, it could get tiring, but right now, it's fun and somewhat lucrative, so that's good. i enjoy the people i work with there, so even if it's slow, it's fun, and that makes it worth being there.

the family tension has eased. i've continued to learn that people aren't as resilient as i would like them to be (including myself). i always look for some dramatic event - a conversation or something - to change everything, to fix everything. people rarely work that way. though it often takes seconds to inflict pain on someone, it may take years for that wound to heal. this is annoying, especially for a fixer like me, but it's just how we operate. i can be grateful that there is still plenty of love to go around, and good intentions. without these things, the wounds might never heal.

i've been thinking more about grad-school. in theory, i'm going to apply to the english MA program at UNC and the divinity school (program tbd) at Duke. assuming that i can get into both of these programs (which is kind of a leap), i'm not sure which one i would choose, or maybe try to design a hybrid? i'm not sure. i think that if i had to choose one, i would go to the divinity school - it just seems more relevant to my life. however, i do have a love for classic literature, and i think that it makes me a better person to learn more about people through what they have written, just as it makes me a better person to learn more about people and God through what we've written about God over the years. i guess this will all be irrelevant if i don't start taking some real steps toward applications and decision-making.

i am going to tx for the first time in a couple of weeks for my dear friends maggie and isaac's wedding. i'm excited to be a part of such a wonderful event and to travel to a place i've never been before to see so many people that i love. i'm smiling just thinking about it.

alright, just writing this blog has given me a couple ideas for some other blogs, so maybe this dry spell will end for a bit and i will have some profound, or even just interesting things for you to read. at the very least, give you a good reason to believe that you're not the only crazy one - i always like that :)

but life goes on

i feel like most blog entries that i read (including some of mine, not that i go back and read them *cough*) begin with something to the effect of "wow, i haven't written in a while." so, i'm not going to do that, i'll just get on with it.

the last few weeks have been . . . tumultuous, to say the least. i've been avoiding writing because the things that have been occupying my thoughts most have been the sort of things one cannot really blog about - things that will incriminate one and/or the ones that one loves.

as some politicians might say (and i know because i was once a poli-sci major) - feelings were hurt and are being hurt, bad conversations have happened, good ones have not happened, love is not winning. the whole thing breaks my heart into so many pieces that sometimes i think that i will forever see the cracks, even if they get put back together again. i know that's emotional and not rational, but that has been my life as of late. it's hard to sort through powerful, overwhelming emotions in order to find truth. not just logic, but truth and wisdom. i can't say that i've done that, and i can't even say where i've failed - it's too close around me to be seen clearly.

if you're not wholly frustrated by my purposeful ambiguity, then read on.

though very painful, i have been trying to find good in all of this. it is my family that has fallen prey to, well, my family i guess. i'll proudly admit that i've found nearly all of my purpose and identity over the past year in my family. i moved here for us, i worked, worshiped, played with us. it was great and lovely and i think, in so many ways, exactly what i needed. i don't know what i would have done without such an amazing network of people - all caring for one another, all living and sharing life together. it really was a blessed season.

to be honest, i probably never would have let it go, ever. i would have stayed at the commune (where i live now with most of my family) forever, making my (if ever) husband move here with me and my children grow amongst the bamboo jungle in our yard. and that would have been great. but, community living is hard, very hard, and it takes a compassion and selflessness that is beyond most people. i was so proud of my family and, in a way, i thought it might be invincible. this is where i have found growth in the heartache: it is time to move on. i cannot allow my own well-being to be so inextricably caught up in the behavior and relationships of others, even if they are my family. i need to be able to have more grace for these people that i love - i cannot have this grace if my heart bleeds with every intimation of conflict. my heart has bled too much. i do not claim to be innocent, but, as i said before, it is all still too close to understand. i am waiting for retrospect to provide clarity, be it vindication or guilt.

i am not giving up on anything, just trying to be healthy. i still think my family is cooler than your family (hah) and that we will all be happy with each other once again. let us pray that that day will be sooner rather than later.

i am trying to buy a house. it is a lovely house: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, energy efficient. it is in durham, nc. 2.5 miles from my job. 13 miles from the commune. i think it is an opportunity for me to start a different kind of life.

college was formula. the commune was baby food. now it's time for some tofu stirfry.