in some moments, i feel completely in on top of my life - everything i do, everything that happens is voluntary and constructive.
in other moments, in moments that pass more slowly and prove more consuming, i feel a victim. i feel as though the world just happens to me without any regard for what i want from it - and i can't remember a time when i didn't feel this way.
i fear that i have slipped into the second moments as of late. i'm not sure why. i think much of it has to do with things coming to an end - the past couple of years has been filled with things coming to an end, and i think i've been worn down. i'm tired of things ending before i'm completely ready. sure, i've learned that i am never really 'ready' to let go of good things, and if i kept them that long, i wouldn't remember them so fondly. but still, there is a part of me - the mourning part - that has done it's share recently, and is trying to quit, though that just seems to intensify this mourning sensation.
oscar begat (the band i've been playing with for the past 2 or 3 years) is no more - sort of. as it has existed, it is no more. the name may appear again, but will most likely never represent what it has. i thought i was ready to let this go. i will certainly miss playing shows like that (how else will i get people to look at me?), but i think the reason that my 'mourning bone' is quaking under the pressure is that not everyone involved in this dissolution seems to be mourning as much as i, or even at all.
i know i've written before about my codependence, and here it is again - i'm sad because not everyone cares about something as much as i want them to. that's all. are my feelings hurt? yes. am i taking it personally? yes. can i appreciate that all of this may be a tad ridiculous? yes. does that change the way i feel? no.
i'm not even sure why i'm writing about this. oh yeah, i write to be rid of things : )
i want to be done with it without confrontation, so i'll write about it here.