dollah dollah billz

i'm in a weird place.

not physically. i'm just in my room, but my place in life is weird. i'm still buying a house, but this process is so long and just keeps getting longer. by the end of it, i believe i will have spent the same length of time as an entire semester (allow me to revert to student-timing), just trying to buy a house. it's mentally frustrating, trying to prepare for a big transition that refuses to come.

it's not at all that i want to leave the commune. i really do love it here. i know that i will miss spending time with the people who live here with me because i know that i wont possibly see them as much. i already see them remarkably less than one would think, considering our proximity to one another. but, like i've said before, i believe it's a good step for everyone.

i recently purchased a set of furniture for my new home, should i ever actually live there. one piece is a chaise, which i plan to put in my room, and faint on from time to time, just for fun. last sunday, i went to my house with alisha and steven and laid on the floor of each empty room, imagining furniture and colors. it was great fun, though, i think, technically trespassing.

last night after work, i ran to thy gym, and the spent two hours in classes (body pump and yoga). i hadn't been in a couple of weeks, so it was a nice way to spend the evening. after i got home, i watched as episode of 'intervention' with my parents (love it) and then refused to start a movie with them at 10:00 because i couldn't stay up that late. i went to my room, changed into pjs and checked my voicemail. i had one from the cool kids at carmine's, and they were all going to bailey's to celebrate our dear noah's last night.

some people might think - it's already past 10:00, i have to be at work at 9:00, i really should go to sleep instead of driving 10 minutes away to hang out at a bar. some people also don't have a severe distaste for missing things. i got dressed and went, and didn't return until around 2:30. it was a whole lot of fun and i don't regret it, but when my alarm went off at 8:00 this morning, i did not feel well. i was tired from having not slept enough or well, i was hungry from not having eaten a real meal since 1:00 yesterday afternoon, i was so very sore from my gym craziness, and i was dehydrated from no water and some buffalo wings.

so, i've taken a sick day. that is why i am able to blog right now. i don't have much time these days. i worked about 70 hours last week - between the 9-5 and the restaurant gig. i can't complain too much. i have two jobs that i enjoy. it does make me tired, though. by this past sunday, i kind of felt like i was committing a slow sort of suicide. this week, i was scheduled for one less shift at the restaurant, and i found someone to cover another one - so that's a step in the right direction.

alisha (my roommate) is in ethiopia doing something very awesome, but it is still sad that she is gone for a whole two weeks more.

while writing this blog, i thought about writing, again, that i want to go to the divinity school at duke. and then i thought to myself: 'self, why don't you actually take a step in that direction, instead of just talking about it.' and so i did. i sent an email to the admissions dept, asking to set up an appointment. the only issue i take with the div school plan is that it very well may cost a lot of dollah dollah billz that i don't have. hopefully an admissions counselor will reveal all sorts of lovely opportunities that will make this be not so, but i guess we'll see.

i realize that this is a collection of random thoughts, but if i keep writing nothing at all, i will, well, keep writing nothing at all.

fun little musical things?

so, i had this great idea a little while back. i was thinking about how much i miss playing music with my friends who now live so very far away from me. i thought to myself, 'if only there was a way to eliminate all the space and groove with them once again.' the best think i could come up with was to record myself playing some fun covers (or segments, anyway) and post it on facebook-maybe start a fun little trend of music people making fun little videos of themselves, so we can pretend we're not separated by states and states. i even used some fun effects - contrast, reverb, you know, what the professionals do.

i thought it would be a fun thing, but i had it up for a whole day and the only person who said anything was my loyal(ish) little brother (steven - word). i set it up as a music trivia so that people would have something to say besides 'hey katie, tune your guitar,' which, by the way, i know i should have done, but my tuner is on the fritz, so what are you gonna do?

now, i'm going to try again, but this time, i've tweaked the video so that all of the audio matches the video (imagine that) and i'm putting it here on my blog instead - it seems a safer place, where rejection is okay because 'maybe no one saw it . . .' i can't handle the facebook rejection for another day. my fragile ego can't handle it : )

i have this linked to my facebook page, so it will show up as a note, but let's pretend no one reads those - it might not require that much pretending. actually, if you're reading this as a note on facebook, i don't know if the video will show up, so click here: http://iwritetoberidofthings.blogspot.com/ but if you don't click, just don't tell me.



thank you friends. now it's your turn.

in case you were curious

if i wait to blog until i feel like i have something earth-shattering to talk about, then i may never blog again. so here they are - a series of small updates.

i'm still buying a house and i'm still pretty excited about it. i drift off to sleep thinking about accent walls and coffee tables. though i'm still sad about the dissolution of the commune, i think it's going to be good for me. right now, i'm still qualifying for financing and whatnot, but as soon as the house is mine, i'll post some pictures somewhere, and ask all of you creative people to send me stuff with which to decorate my house :)

though there are several reasons for this move to happen, i cannot deny that there is much i will miss. living in carrboro, though a bit strange (i've recently heard it called a 'fantasy land'), has its perks - i can walk to my gym, my natural foods store and my local farmer's market. i can also walk to downtown chapel hill, which has more bars and coffee shops than i could ever frequent, even if i went out every night, twice. i will also miss my family and my delightful roommate. alright alright, let me move on before i change my mind . . .

because this house business is pretty expensive, i've been working a lot. i work 9-5 monday through friday, and then at Carmine's (restaurant) some nights and weekends. depending on how long my Carmine's shift-count is up for, it could get tiring, but right now, it's fun and somewhat lucrative, so that's good. i enjoy the people i work with there, so even if it's slow, it's fun, and that makes it worth being there.

the family tension has eased. i've continued to learn that people aren't as resilient as i would like them to be (including myself). i always look for some dramatic event - a conversation or something - to change everything, to fix everything. people rarely work that way. though it often takes seconds to inflict pain on someone, it may take years for that wound to heal. this is annoying, especially for a fixer like me, but it's just how we operate. i can be grateful that there is still plenty of love to go around, and good intentions. without these things, the wounds might never heal.

i've been thinking more about grad-school. in theory, i'm going to apply to the english MA program at UNC and the divinity school (program tbd) at Duke. assuming that i can get into both of these programs (which is kind of a leap), i'm not sure which one i would choose, or maybe try to design a hybrid? i'm not sure. i think that if i had to choose one, i would go to the divinity school - it just seems more relevant to my life. however, i do have a love for classic literature, and i think that it makes me a better person to learn more about people through what they have written, just as it makes me a better person to learn more about people and God through what we've written about God over the years. i guess this will all be irrelevant if i don't start taking some real steps toward applications and decision-making.

i am going to tx for the first time in a couple of weeks for my dear friends maggie and isaac's wedding. i'm excited to be a part of such a wonderful event and to travel to a place i've never been before to see so many people that i love. i'm smiling just thinking about it.

alright, just writing this blog has given me a couple ideas for some other blogs, so maybe this dry spell will end for a bit and i will have some profound, or even just interesting things for you to read. at the very least, give you a good reason to believe that you're not the only crazy one - i always like that :)

stickin' it to the man

the following correspondence took place between me and an unnamed credit card company (it rhymes with shmitti-shmard).

Subject:	late payment fee
Date/Time:	06/29/09 02:05:14 PM
You wrote: Hello, I am writing to request that the late payment fee that was recently posted to my account be refunded. The payment was only 1 day late, and paying late, according to my record, is not nearly a habit. In fact, I often pay early and much more than the minimum payment. If you value my business, please refund the late payment fee. Thank You, Kaitlyn DeConto

Subject:	Re: late payment fee
Date/Time:	06/29/09 02:41:26 PM
Customer Service Wrote: Our records indicate that a payment of $20.00 was due in our office by 06/15/2009. Because that payment was received on 6/16/2009, a late fee was charged to your account. For more information, please review your Card Agreement. After a thorough review, we have determined that your account is not eligible for the credit of the late fee. Was this message helpful? Let us know Thank you for using our website.

Subject:	Re: late payment fee
Date/Time:	06/29/09 11:04:59 PM
You wrote: Hello, I am very disappointed by this and will be closing this account. Thank you.

Subject	: Re: late payment fee
Date/Time	: 06/29/09 11:24:07 PM
Customer Service Wrote: As a goodwill gesture, we have credited your account $39.00 for the late fee assessed. This credit should appear on your account within two business days. We must receive your payments by the due date in order to avoid late fees in the future. Was this message helpful? Let us know Thank you for using our website. boo ya.

but life goes on

i feel like most blog entries that i read (including some of mine, not that i go back and read them *cough*) begin with something to the effect of "wow, i haven't written in a while." so, i'm not going to do that, i'll just get on with it.

the last few weeks have been . . . tumultuous, to say the least. i've been avoiding writing because the things that have been occupying my thoughts most have been the sort of things one cannot really blog about - things that will incriminate one and/or the ones that one loves.

as some politicians might say (and i know because i was once a poli-sci major) - feelings were hurt and are being hurt, bad conversations have happened, good ones have not happened, love is not winning. the whole thing breaks my heart into so many pieces that sometimes i think that i will forever see the cracks, even if they get put back together again. i know that's emotional and not rational, but that has been my life as of late. it's hard to sort through powerful, overwhelming emotions in order to find truth. not just logic, but truth and wisdom. i can't say that i've done that, and i can't even say where i've failed - it's too close around me to be seen clearly.

if you're not wholly frustrated by my purposeful ambiguity, then read on.

though very painful, i have been trying to find good in all of this. it is my family that has fallen prey to, well, my family i guess. i'll proudly admit that i've found nearly all of my purpose and identity over the past year in my family. i moved here for us, i worked, worshiped, played with us. it was great and lovely and i think, in so many ways, exactly what i needed. i don't know what i would have done without such an amazing network of people - all caring for one another, all living and sharing life together. it really was a blessed season.

to be honest, i probably never would have let it go, ever. i would have stayed at the commune (where i live now with most of my family) forever, making my (if ever) husband move here with me and my children grow amongst the bamboo jungle in our yard. and that would have been great. but, community living is hard, very hard, and it takes a compassion and selflessness that is beyond most people. i was so proud of my family and, in a way, i thought it might be invincible. this is where i have found growth in the heartache: it is time to move on. i cannot allow my own well-being to be so inextricably caught up in the behavior and relationships of others, even if they are my family. i need to be able to have more grace for these people that i love - i cannot have this grace if my heart bleeds with every intimation of conflict. my heart has bled too much. i do not claim to be innocent, but, as i said before, it is all still too close to understand. i am waiting for retrospect to provide clarity, be it vindication or guilt.

i am not giving up on anything, just trying to be healthy. i still think my family is cooler than your family (hah) and that we will all be happy with each other once again. let us pray that that day will be sooner rather than later.

i am trying to buy a house. it is a lovely house: 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, energy efficient. it is in durham, nc. 2.5 miles from my job. 13 miles from the commune. i think it is an opportunity for me to start a different kind of life.

college was formula. the commune was baby food. now it's time for some tofu stirfry.

will you submit to me? circle yes or no.

i am suffering from an identity crisis.

it's been just over one year since i graduated from college. it took some time for me to feel comfortable as a non-student. it took some time for me to know how to talk about my life without school. it helped that graduation hadn't been so long ago. i could still say 'i just graduated in may.' i can't say that anymore - we're already in another may.

fortunately, i've almost completely coped with being a non-student. now i have to find an identity as a regular person, an adult with no student role on which to blame things. my new roles have to be taken more seriously. i'm a woman. what does that mean? i'm a follower of Christ. what does that mean? i'm a part of a body of people who follow Christ. what does that mean? i am a close friend and family member. what does that mean?

i think that when i was younger, all of these roles just were. i didn't do anything to get them - they happened to me, and so i reacted. now, i feel a responsibility for figuring out what each of these things mean, and how i can best fill them all at once.

the role that i have been struggling with the most lately has been my role as a woman, more particularly, my role as a now single, maybe one day married, Christ-following woman.

i know that i write about gender stuff a lot (maybe not, but it seems like it), but it's because, like i said, in this season of my life, i'm really working to figure out who i am and what that means. being a woman is a giant part of that because there has been SO much information thrown at me throughout my life about what a christian woman should look like. so much information that i have often felt like i am drowning in it, like it is an upset sea and i am an infant.

much of this information has been untrue and not at all in the heart of God (which is what i am trying to pursue). in fact, i have a book on my shelf at home right now entitled '10 Lies the Church Tells Women.' to be honest, i haven't read that book, but i like that it's there - it reminds me that it's okay to be discriminatory when it comes to this angry sea of information.

i have been so blessed and encouraged by christianity over the last year - continually learning more about the love and compassion that, if sought in earnest, Christ brings. i am always meeting people in this area - progressive, liberal people who have little interest in the heart of God, but who i feel i can connect with. it is exciting to me that the ideas of christianity can be so accessible to anyone seeking peace and justice.

now, what does this have to do with my identity crisis? i will tell you.

Ephesians 5
²⁴Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

as i was saying before, almost everything that is important to me, as a christian, often makes perfect sense to those uninterested in my faith. however, when i get to the part about a woman in a christian marriage (submission - ahhh), everything kind of falls apart. i picture in my head a conversation between myself and one of these progressive, liberal women. i barely get the words 'wives, submit . . .' out of my mouth and she punches me right in the face. i do not want to get punched. i do not want to stop having these wonderful, unifying conversations. what do i do?

actually, this isn't just about not getting punched. this is also about reconciling within me what sometimes feels like a nagging discrepancy. i believe that i was created by a loving God. i believe that i was created as a beautiful, feminine human. i believe that, as this beautiful, feminine human, i am just as valuable to my Creator as any other human and have just as much to offer. why, then would this Creator tell me to submit to another human? surely i was not created somehow inferior, in need of someone else to make me more complete, make my life more full and worthy. it is difficult not to interpret this piece of scripture as a kind of blow to women. i'm sorry if that's upsetting, but it's true. if, in a workplace, my supervisor told me to submit to another employee, would it not be right to assume that that supervisor thought that other employee somehow more able than myself?

all of this was bothering me in an undeniable and increasing way. last weekend, in fact, the sermon at church included this passage that includes the 's word.' i cried tears of frustration through most of the sermon - not something i have ever done before. i just couldn't figure out how to reconcile my own understanding of God with this idea of wives submitting to their husbands.

(note: it still bothers me that some christian men seem to accept this whole idea without question. fight with us to clear up this whole thing, to make sense of it. please don't just take it for granted.)

a lot has happened in my mind since last sunday. many conversations have taken place, much reflection and prayer has gone on, and i think that i'm finally at peace, or at least approaching peace. the following are things that have help me approach peace.

• Ephesians 5 ²⁵Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her - if i was in a relationship with someone, anyone, romantic or otherwise, and i 100% trusted that they had my best interest at heart and that they loved me as much as Christ loves the church, why wouldn't i trust them to make a decision that affected both of us?
• the idea of 'servant leadership' (every milliganite's ears just perked) is a very christian idea, and one that is a bit foreign to those many of those not committed to that faith. this concept of leading someone by serving them - leading them into selflessness and love by showing it to them - is not exactly a Wall Street key to success. therefore, when we speak of 'submission,' minds automatically think of being stepped on, not of being raised up. this submission that i speak of, and that i think the Bible speaks of, is a (somewhat-in our better moments) natural response to overwhelming love. if a husband's 'leadership' is one of sacrifice and love (Christ), then the wife's submission is similar, is it not? one might call this relationship one of mutual submission.
  
• it is a problem of language. if this person who may or may not be punching me in the face (see earlier paragraph) saw a marriage dedicated to these principals of love and submission, i don't think they would find it misogynistic at all. i think they would find it beautiful. it's only when this relationship is described that there are problems - there is no way to say submission without tempting your audience to pull out their copy of the Emancipation Proclamation.
  
• i am only instructed to practice this 'submission' to my husband (should i ever have one). therefore, this is NOT a statement on the way women and men should interact, only husbands and wives.
• men and women are different. they are equal, but different. sometimes i think that we get caught up fighting for women to be equal to men, that we find ourselves fighting for women to be the same as men. i don't want to be the same as a man. i want to be a woman. so, i should accept that because we are different, there are important things that i can offer a husband (should i ever have one) that are less important that he offer me, things that he will value more than i will. i haven't really figured out what all of these things are, mostly due to lack of experience. i have observed, however, that maybe men need more to feel respected, trusted and reliable, whereas women need more to feel valued, appreciated and loved. so maybe this submission/love type of relationship helps cater to the needs of both sexes. who knows. i could be way off - like i said, a lack of experience.

well, i think that's about it. my identity crisis is not over, but i am making progress. hopefully these things will help me avoid drowning in an angry sea and/or being punched in the face.

how did i get here?

it's funny how tricky life can be.

in some moments, i feel completely in on top of my life - everything i do, everything that happens is voluntary and constructive.

in other moments, in moments that pass more slowly and prove more consuming, i feel a victim. i feel as though the world just happens to me without any regard for what i want from it - and i can't remember a time when i didn't feel this way.



i fear that i have slipped into the second moments as of late. i'm not sure why. i think much of it has to do with things coming to an end - the past couple of years has been filled with things coming to an end, and i think i've been worn down. i'm tired of things ending before i'm completely ready. sure, i've learned that i am never really 'ready' to let go of good things, and if i kept them that long, i wouldn't remember them so fondly. but still, there is a part of me - the mourning part - that has done it's share recently, and is trying to quit, though that just seems to intensify this mourning sensation.

oscar begat (the band i've been playing with for the past 2 or 3 years) is no more - sort of. as it has existed, it is no more. the name may appear again, but will most likely never represent what it has. i thought i was ready to let this go. i will certainly miss playing shows like that (how else will i get people to look at me?), but i think the reason that my 'mourning bone' is quaking under the pressure is that not everyone involved in this dissolution seems to be mourning as much as i, or even at all.

i know i've written before about my codependence, and here it is again - i'm sad because not everyone cares about something as much as i want them to. that's all. are my feelings hurt? yes. am i taking it personally? yes. can i appreciate that all of this may be a tad ridiculous? yes. does that change the way i feel? no.

i'm not even sure why i'm writing about this. oh yeah, i write to be rid of things : )

i want to be done with it without confrontation, so i'll write about it here.